I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize