I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm getting married
To pizza
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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