I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
