I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
