Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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