we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
