Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
