You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
