I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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