Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
