Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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