I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
FUCK WHALES
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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