time to smoke my breakfast
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
