Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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