I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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