We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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