even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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