He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
