When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis