I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This baby is an asshole
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together