She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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