Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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