I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
