Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
