id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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