Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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