i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
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Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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