Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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