dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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