i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
