I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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