Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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