We named our party play list daddy issues
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
