Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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