I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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