Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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