my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
