Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
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He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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