Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
