I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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