im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
