So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
