I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
