You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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