honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
