He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
