So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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