You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
