tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
