My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
how drunk are you?
Several
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
