I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
