I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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