I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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