goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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