can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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